This was a hard week for me. Between a personality conflict with my cooperating teacher and the amount of homework for my college classes. Emotionally this week has been a veritable roller coaster. I think that Monday was the worst day. I thought that I had been doing fairly well in the classroom. But somehow Mrs. T got it into her head that I was “without joy” and not really happy being in the classroom.
When she said it to me, it came out of nowhere. It felt like a lightening strike, or an explosion. It is amazing how much a few words can truly hurt. Essentially she was calling into question or asking me to question if I really want to be a teacher. She made me so angry and hurt my feelings deeply. This woman, whom I looked up to, just ripped part of the curtain of my dream.
I guess she misread my body language and intent. I'll admit that I'd been a bit wishy washy, but only because I was unsure of the boundaries in the classroom. Mrs. T is a very intimidating person. She is great with the kids, but perhaps not so much with adults. I guess she had expected me to take over or try to take over her classroom, and was disappointed that I had not. If I could have I'd have taken over teaching all day, everyday, but unsure of what was OK or not OK with her, I held back. This is after all my part time teaching term.
Also it is her classroom, and I am a guest in her classroom. So my attempt to be polite backfired into something else.Yeah... I have a serious expression often, when I am not up in front of the kids teaching. I take my student teaching very seriously. I'm busy trying to learn, to gain knowledge of techniques for teaching.
It wasn't right for her to say the things she did, the way she did. Especially when she told me that I'm not connecting to any of the students. That statement right there just about made me turn into the Hulk.
So Tuesday, my day of college classes was really tough. I had this miasma of self doubt and disappointment hanging over my head. The feeling and thoughts of “What is the point?”. I had let Mrs. T's rancor into my head and heart. It was like I was poisoned.
I guess I just really wanted her approval, her thumbs up. Not getting it was painful, and felt like a failure, or disappointing one of my own parents.
I talked to advisers on Tuesday, and we decided my full time teaching should be done elsewhere. I was reminded by my professors that I am going to be a great teacher. I was sent down memory lane to the compliments from past professors. I was reminded of my good grades. Of all the effort I've put into my dream of becoming a teacher.
I've wanted to be a teacher since probably the third grade. I've got proof too... a writing assignment that asked me and my fellow students to write about what we wanted to be when we grew up. It has always been a teacher. Though I did pull the freshmen uncertainty movement where I briefly considered other options like History, Art, and even Psychology. After deciding for sure that teaching was it... I finally plunged face first into college full time to do it.
But I digress. Wednesday morning was just as awful as Monday afternoon. I tried to explain myself to Mrs. T. She had me in tears again. Though she hasn't seen a one. I'm proud of not tearing up in front of her. Essentially I tried to tell her she was wrong (in a nice way) about me. I told her that if I could I would take over he classroom. That I'm happy to be there. That I want to teach. That I love the kids. That I've got connections to them. They haven't been hanging around me because I keep telling them to go back to their desks.
My friend in the resource room got the crying me for a little, while I waited for copies of a worksheet for my Math lesson later in the day. She calmed me down, and told me if things don't get better to talk tot he principal. I told her I would.
I never talked to the principal. Mostly because I didn't want to do to Mrs. T what she did to me. Also because I felt it was an issue between the two of us.
Something happened to Mrs. T between her last bit of yelling at me and me coming back from making copies. Perhaps she had realized that she had been to harsh on me, or had misread me, or misunderstood me. Whatever it was... I came back to our classroom to a different person with a different attitude. It was a turning point of sorts.
Sadly I didn't notice the change in Mrs. T because I was concentrating on not letting the students see how angry I was. I turned my anger in to energy and bounced around with more energy than usual while I taught our Big Five lesson. (A short math lesson focusing in small reviews of mathematical skills the students know/need to know.) When I was done with the lesson I came back to two hot pink sticky notes on my desk.
Derald (my husband) got to deal with my negative attitudes, and did his best to remind me that I will be a good teacher.
Thank you, all of you. My self confidence really appreciated the booster shots. <3 I love you guys.
The rest of my week has been pretty good and productive. Knowing that I'm going on a small trip to visit friends and family about an hour and a half or so away I've been working hard towards getting my homework done in advance, as well as getting the apartment cleaned up.
I will miss my students from Mrs. T's class when I switch to another school and teacher for my full time teaching in March. I've grown attached to these kids, and their little quirky personalities.
One of my students, Liz, even made me an early Valentine’s Day card. Funny thing is she gave Mrs. T one, after she gave me mine. /laughs
Before I leave in March, I think I'll write a letter to these kids, to tell them thank you for teaching me so much. I think I've learned more from them than I have in a lot of my college classes about education.
I hope they like my Valentines for them. I love Batman, so I bought a box of Batman Valentines. Instead of using the dumb heart stickers that came with it (heart stickers for Batman cards confused me) I used some of my Batman stickers to close the Valentines. I also bought a package of erasers to give out to the kids. I've noticed that most of them don't have any eraser left on their pencils. They wear them out so quickly.
Maybe I'll make the kids some banana bread too. None of them have any allergies... I'll double check that with Mrs. T.
Well I suppose I've rambled on long enough and distracted myself long enough from my final reading assignment for this week.
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